Do you know those days – the ones where you are just a little bit out of sorts? I am having one of those: not really sad, not really angry, a little bit bored but not enough. It’s not an awful day, but not great either. Everything feels a little bit in the middle, with no clear definition but there isn’t any balance. There isn’t really enough energy for anything but it doesn’t feel like tired.
On a day like today, if I can allow myself, I mope and relish in it. Maybe I call a friend at some point or a family member in the hope that he/she will mope with me. I might write the odd email, maybe do some admin, have a cup of tea or the dog and I will have a play-fight. There is a potential for an argument but no one can be bothered. I have had a busy weekend, I have worked a lot and need a rest but the difference between ‘On’ and ‘Off’ is too big. It feels like the system is trying to recalibrate.
And then I walk outside, into a clammy, grey, misty May evening. Next to the grey and muffled sounds the blackbird sings so beautifully, the roses are so very white. Their smell is divine and the little raindrops so very delicate and perfectly arranged. As I inhale the magnificent scents of rose, rain and earth, I feel like I am hit with a sledgehammer and I understand half of why I feel the way I do. The anniversary of my mother’s death is approaching and she loved roses, especially the scented ones.
So, when you are having a ‘none’ day, it might be a mixture of many things but it might well be worth asking yourself the question of what it is you are avoiding or what you have lost.
Love, loss, beauty and pain – they never seem to be far from each other. As Paula Modersohn-Becker observed:
“Feeling sad seems to be something natural.
It seems to be taking in breath before feeling joy,
a preparation of the soul for it”.
If we don’t honour this and learn to live with the tension this presents, definition in life can be lost. This is why a treatment plan in bereavement counselling cannot be about “fixing someone” and “moving on”. It has to be about honouring what is lost and trying to find a way forward without leaving loved ones behind. Bittersweet as this can be, it leads to a richer life.